Connecting with Your Truest Self
We all know the feeling of being stuck. The feeling that something isn’t right in our world, and that it is holding us back from accomplishing all that we want to.
Sometimes it feels like it’s our job – it’s not fulfilling us the way we want it to, and we’ve ended up stagnant, stuck in a position that we’re desperate to escape.
Sometimes it’s a relationship – we feel like we aren’t being treated the way we deserve, or that we aren’t being respected or cherished the way we want to be.
Sometimes it’s hard to even know what the root of the “stuck” feeling is – if it’s coming from a specific place or if it’s an overall sensation coming from every aspect of our lives.
We’ve all been there.
Some of us have gritted our teeth and stayed there. Some of us have decided to toss our whole lives up in the air and start over.
Some of us have done both, depending on the specific situation (hi, it’s me).
If you’re like me, you might have found that gritting your teeth and baring it didn’t resolve anything. And, more surprisingly, you might have found that flipping your life on it’s head didn’t actually resolve anything either. Once the novelty of the new job, new partner, new whatever it was, has worn off, you find yourself in the same stuck place.
I used to believe that I had a five year limit. I could do anything for five years, then I’d get stuck, bored, or lose motivation, and need something totally different. I saw this play out in all sorts of areas of my life.
And in five years, I’d be right back where I started.
It would have continued on, too, but I discovered something.
It wasn’t the job or the relationship or the hobby that was the root of the problem. The root of the problem was me, and the way my mind was working at the time.
The reason the stuck feeling was following me was because I was not thinking and acting in alignment with my true self, my true desires. I was trying to fit myself into the societal and family expectations that I had let guide my life, and I could only pretend for so long (five years) until my true self broke through and said, “we’ve got to get out of here!”
When I was in high school, I was a great student. Straight As, varsity sports (I was a runner), I sang and acted in musicals, I volunteered, I told everyone I wanted to be a neurosurgeon or a biomedical engineer. They were always suitably impressed.
My senior year of high school, I took AP Calculus. A necessity for someone who wanted to go into engineering or medicine. And, my friends, I struggled. I struggled in a way that I had never struggled with school before. Guidance counselors were calling me to their office to ask if everything was ok.
But – I pushed through, and thanks to a generous curve on the final, still came out with a fairly strong grade in the class. I got into the college I wanted, and I started the pre-med track. (I was already doubting my commitment to engineering, though I did not tell my parents that). I let the advisor talk me into advanced chemistry, an 8am calculus class, and a “history of science” course as my cushy class of the semester.
If I thought I struggled in calculus in high school, that was nothing compared to the humbling I faced that first semester of college. I failed calculus. I got a C in chemistry. My cushy class, thank goodness, brought me an A-, a saving grace, though not enough to keep me from academic probation. I vividly remember walking home from my chemistry exam sobbing.
What had happened to me?
Honestly, I didn’t know. I blamed it on depression (I was struggling at the time), I blamed it on expecting too much from myself, when clearly I wasn’t as smart as I had thought. I blamed it on my professors who didn’t do a good enough job teaching me.
I knew that I would not get into med school with an F on my record. That plan was done, and I didn’t know what to do with myself.
The next semester, I took a variety of classes, trying to figure out a path. I took my first psychology course, and loved it. I took general biology. I took a Shakespeare class.
I got As across the board.
I told myself it was because I was taking easier courses. That it didn’t mean as much because of that.
I decided I wanted to major in psychology. My parents told me that was a bad idea, that there was no future for me in that. So I majored in conservation biology. I love nature and the environment (hence the whole theme of my work!), but I chose it to keep my parents happy. It was a “real” science field.
I graduated, and tried to find a job in my field. I showed up to interviews with the DNR in a suit, and was asked maybe one question before they told me they had heard everything they needed. I was despondent.
In retrospect, I can see what was actually happening here. I wasn’t unsuccessful in my calculus and chemistry classes because I wasn’t smart enough. I was unsuccessful because I was pursuing something that my true self didn’t want.
I told everyone I wanted to be a doctor or an engineer because it made my parents proud. Because those were fields smart people went into. Not because I was passionate about either of those things. My grades improved because I started studying things I was interested in, not because they were easier (trust me, I know plenty of engineers now who would be absolutely brought to their knees by Shakespeare). No, it was that they were things that were in alignment with what my true self wanted.
When I acquiesced and didn’t study psychology, that was me doing what someone external from me wanted, and again, while it was something I loved, it wasn’t the right career trajectory for me. If it were, I would have dressed for my interviews in clothes that were more appropriate to working in nature, not in a full suit and heels, with curled hair and everything. I was sabotaging myself because I was going down a path that wasn’t in alignment with my truest self.
Today, I’m in much better alignment with my true self. Not a hundred percent – I still definitely worry what my parents will think of the decisions I make! But I have made progress. I have found a path that rings true – teaching and coaching others to find their own way and to throw off the shackles of other peoples expectations.
Of course, saying this can be easier than actually figuring out what our heart of heart really yearns for. When I coach people, I frequently ask them why they want the things they say they want, and most can’t really articulate their why. They say things like, “I want a promotion to make more money,” or “I want this job so I can help people.”
But that’s not really the root of it. They want money for a specific reason – because they grew up without it, or because they think it will make them more impressive. They want to help people because they were taught that is the right thing to want.
These aren’t necessarily bad reasons to do something, as long as they are true to your authentic self. So often, though, these are actually the voices of other people, our parents, our peers, our society, that tell us that in order to be successful, you have to be x, y, or z.
I want to flip that script. I want you to redefine success so it is something that speaks to your soul, that fills you with fire and passion and determination to achieve your dreams. And the only way to do that is to reconnect with your truest self.
Finding your way can feel a lot like getting back to your childhood self. It’s learning how to play again. It’s doing the things that you love, for no other reason than that you love them.
I have a few questions you can ask yourself to start reconnecting with this version of yourself.
When in your life were you happiest? What were you doing? Who were you with?
What has made you most proud of yourself? Why?
When was the last time you laughed until you cried?
What did you love to do as a kid? What was it that you loved about that?
When were you most fulfilled and satisfied? What need or desire was fulfilled in that moment?
What inspires you?
What impact do you want to have?
These questions can get you started on reconnecting with your truest self. You’ll know you’re getting there when you start to feel more playful and less stressed. When you are creative rather than anxious. When you look forward to your day, rather than dreading it.
Your true self, once you reconnect, knows what your career path should look like. It knows whether the relationship you’re in is serving you. It knows how to have fun!
It just needs to be heard.
All my love,
Charlotte
