The World Sucks, How You Respond to it Matters
Or — Changing the World from the Inside Out
(This title doesn’t really align with my usual “brand”, I know. But I’ll bet it caught your attention!)
A couple of weeks ago I facilitated a retreat for a team. All top performers, all good, kind, warm people. And this was what they called one part of the sessions.
Frankly, it’s catchier than what I had called it – Managing Your Mind. Which, despite being less catchy, I do like better. Because the world doesn’t suck. There are things that happen that are not great, I cannot argue that. Things that might even suck.
But as I’ve shared with you before, if you focus on all the things that suck, that is all you will ever see. And because of that same focus, that same attention, the things that wouldn’t have to suck start to.
You create a self-fulfilling prophecy about the world you live in.
No matter what we do, there will always be bad things in life. People will be unkind, people we love will pass on, we will get into arguments with those we love, politicians will sell out their people, there will be tornadoes and blizzards and earthquakes. There is nothing that we can do about those kinds of situations.
They are circumstances, they are outside of our own control, and they, on their own, are neutral. They do not have a value until we assign it to them, through the stories we tell and the thoughts we have.
This can be a controversial take, I know. So right at the very beginning, let me assure you that I am not here to tell you that any of the things listed above are good. What I am saying is that they are open to interpretation.
That interpretation comes in the form of the stories we tell, the thoughts we have. They are not fact, but they can feel like facts when we are experiencing them. “That person is lazy,” or “my employer doesn’t value me,” are thoughts, not facts.
Those thoughts lead us to feel certain ways.
We tend to attribute our feelings to the circumstances we encounter, but they are actually a result of our thoughts. For example – my husband didn’t take out the trash, so I feel angry might be what we tell ourselves, but it’s not the truth of the situation. My husband didn’t take out the trash, I think “he never pulls his weight around here,” and then I feel angry. I could just as easily tell myself a different story and have a different feeling in that moment.
Those feelings lead us to actions.
Actions are any behavior, action, or inaction that stems from our feelings. You feel angry, so you snap at a colleague. You feel stressed, so you eat a bag of potato chips. You feel overwhelmed, so you withdraw from social interactions.
Actions are not easy to fake, either. If you are feeling angry, but you’re still trying to “do the right thing,” it is noticeable to the people around you that you are not acting authentically.
And those actions lead to the results or outcomes that we have in our lives, good or bad.
What is interesting about the results we get is that they prove our thoughts true. Our brain is always looking to prove itself right, to avoid any cognitive dissonance. So, if the stories you tell are stories of fear or anger, that is what you will live. If your stories are those of joy and peace, you’ll find more of that in your life.
This means that the world that we experience is within our control. And that is a very good thing.
I’m going to give you some examples now.
Scenario: In recent years, there has been a lot of turnover on my team. I used to take the time to get to know and invest in the staff I work with, but it’s not worth it anymore because they’ll just leave.
Interestingly, there is not a single fact in that scenario. There is only interpretation. “Lots of turnover” might mean something totally different to you than it does to me. What “getting to know and investing in staff” means could be totally different between people. Recent years? Could mean anything.
So – if we want to break it down to its essence, we might find the following:
Circumstance: Since 2020, we’ve had to hire 15 new people, all of whom left after less than a year
Thought: They’re just going to leave
Feeling: Withdrawn
Action: I don’t get to know them, I don’t go out of my way to help them, I don’t provide them with opportunities, I’m not excited to work with them
Result: I drive them away
I have proven my story true. I get to say, “see, I was right!”
But is that really better?
Instead, we can flip this around by telling a different story.
Circumstance: Since 2020, we’ve had to hire 15 new people, all of whom left after less than a year
Thought: I’m going to have to put in extra effort to get the new hire invested in our team
Feeling: Motivated
Action: I get to know them, I provide support, I help them get to know the practice and our impact
Result: I get more invested in the work, and my passion shines through.
What’s important to note here, is that the outcome doesn’t necessarily mean the new hire won’t leave. Unfortunately for all of us type A control freaks out there (hi, it’s me), we cannot control what other people do. We can only control ourselves.
By managing my thoughts in this situation, I am going to have a better time, regardless of what the new hire does. I am not handing my emotional wellbeing over to someone else. And, because I am showing up with genuine motivation and determination, and maybe even passion for my work, it is more likely that the right person will stay in this role. It’s also more likely that even if this person does turn over, they’ll have good feelings about you, your team, and might return or suggest to others that they look for positions with you. There are lots of potential positive outcomes that you would otherwise miss.
Let’s look at another.
Circumstance: It’s 30 degrees outside, snowy and windy.
Thought: It’s a miserably cold day.
Feeling: Disappointed
Actions: Sit around and mope, eat comfort food, complain any chance I can, wish the weather was different
Result: I’m miserable
Which could be experienced differently like this:
Circumstance: It’s 30 degrees outside, snowy and windy.
Thought: What a great day to be safe and cozy inside!
Feeling: Contented
Actions: Find a favorite book to read, bake something with my family, do a task I’ve been putting off
Result: I have a great day
Now, I don’t want it to seem like I’m telling you that you have to be happy all the time. There are times where being angry, or sad, or heartbroken, or whatever, is the 100% most appropriate way to feel. Those things are normal, they’re human, and it’s part of the human experience to feel them.
Where we want to be careful is when they start to become patterns, when the stories we tell aren’t serving us any longer, or when we get stuck in them and can’t find a way out.
What we want instead, is to recognize and allow our feelings, and then move forward in a productive way.
We make better decisions when we’re in a better emotional state
If we feel motivated, we’ll try to make a change
If we feel determined, we don’t back down, even if it’s challenging
If we feel hopeful, we know that there is the opportunity of success
If we don’t believe something can change, we won’t try to change it
Leaving us stuck in places we don’t want to be, feeling things we don’t want to feel, having outcomes or results we don’t want to have
We can find joy, hope, fulfillment, excitement, in hard things. In challenge. In hard work.
It comes down to the stories we tell about it
If we see challenges and say, it’s not fair, I shouldn’t have to deal with this, it’s too much. It might not be fair. Maybe, in a perfect world, you wouldn’t have to deal with it. But those stories aren’t going to help you get to “the perfect world”
If, on the other hand, you say, “bring it on” in the face of challenges. If you say, “I know I can do anything I set my mind to.” Even if you say something like, “This cannot stand” those stories are going to move you to more productive action, and you will find your way through whatever the challenge is that you are facing.
That is the benefit of managing your mind. You do not end up frozen in fear, you do not end up numbing yourself to the world, or so burnt out from the horrors that you cannot move forward. You allow the fear, yes. And then you tell yourself, “this is what I was made for,” and you move through it.
This is how you change the world. From the inside out.
All my love,
Charlotte
