How Do You Take Care of Yourself?

How do you take care of yourself? 

This was a question I asked one of my clients the other day. We were in the middle of a session, and she told me she didn’t feel like herself some days. Normally she is a joyful person, hard working and motivated, cheerful and helpful and patient.

But recently, she thinks she’s started perimenopause, and there are days when she wakes up and no matter what her intentions were for the day, she is miserable. Every little thing gets under her skin. 

So, I asked her how she takes care of herself on those days.

Her first answer was half joking, she said she simply keeps her mouth shut those days, so she doesn’t say something she regrets. Fair enough – keeping her job is a kind of self-care!

I asked her again, and got a more serious answer. She told me she a made a doctors appointment to confirm it really is perimenopause, and not something else that might be more serious. Which is beautiful. It’s a great place to start, and I always want people to have a clear picture of their health, and if there’s anything her doctor recommends, I want her to do that. 

But I pushed a little harder on her and asked again, “On the days when you wake up feeling miserable for no reason, what do you do in the moment to take care of yourself?”

We sat in silence for a few minutes, and then she told me that all she does is push through it. 

That’s all. She just pushes through it. We dug a little deeper, and determined that while she does indeed push through it, it changes her behavior. She doesn’t show up the way she wants to at work or with her family. She’s withdrawn. She doesn’t put as much effort into getting ready. She’s telling herself stories like, “It doesn’t even matter, today is going to suck anyways.” 

All of which then simply confirms her expectations that she’s going to have a bad day. If she’s distant, then her husband is standoffish and her kids act out. She doesn’t try as hard at work, so she doesn’t get as many “good jobs!” as she’s used to. She doesn’t get herself ready, so every time she sees her reflection, she thinks “I look as bad as I feel,” making herself feel even worse. 

It’s not just her, of course. All of us go through situations like this. We tell ourselves a story that we’re going to have a bad day, and our brain finds a million ways that that is true, highlighting every bad thing that happens. 

The flip side of that is that if she told a different story, she’d have a different kind of day. Her brain would look for different facts, trying to prove the different story to be true. 

All she needs to do is change the story she told herself. 

I can almost hear you saying the same thing she said – it’s not really that simple!

Well – it is simple. But it’s not necessarily easy. 

When you’re in the moment, it doesn’t usually feel like you’re telling yourself a story. It feels real, and intense, and maybe a little overwhelming. It can feel unavoidable.

You have to learn how to recognize the patterns your brain follows. It probably has a few stories it goes to automatically, and if you start to pay attention you’ll be able to spot them.

Once you spot them, you can decide if that story is serving you, and if it’s not, that’s when you can try something different. Focus you efforts to change on the things you can actually influence — i.e. your own mind, your own actions — and not on the things outside of your control.

In this client's case, she and I can’t change what her hormones are doing. We can’t change the fact that she has to go to work, that her husband and kids are going to ask her questions or ask her to do things. 

What we can change is how she responds to those situations. 

Rather than pushing through, she can meet herself with grace. Rather than ignoring and resisting how she feels, she can acknowledge and allow it, and then move through it. 

We came up with a list of a few things she can do to help her move through the feeling. 

If she wakes up in a bad mood, she’s not going to pack a lunch for work. She’s going to allow herself to buy her lunch, freeing up time and giving her a little treat. 

With the extra time in the morning, she’s going to spend a few extra minutes on her skincare and makeup – a little pampering time. She’s going to put on an outfit she knows she loves. 

For the drive in to work, she’s going to put on her favorite music or listen to an audiobook, to make the commute more enjoyable. 

And finally, she’s going to let herself have a bad day from time to time. Some days just are what they are, and rather than beating herself up over not being her best self, she’s going to acknowledge that today she’s doing the best she can, at the level she can. And that’s ok. 

So let me challenge you. Next time you have a day that doesn’t go how you’d like, how will you take care of yourself?